Motorised Mosquitoes

Have you ever been woken by the distinct humming of a mosquito in the middle of the night? At first you try to ignore it but it drifts closer and closer to your face until you can take it no longer. In that moment you will do whatever is required to kill the annoyance. In a similar vein I hope that I am not alone in fantasising about taking a baseball bat to the helmets of moped riders as they pass through my neighbourhood in the early hours of the morning. As I lay there, sleepless from the incessant humming that seems to ring through my head long after the bike has passed on, I imagine myself going to a sports shop and asking for a baseball bat. I specifically do not want a cricket bat as I may be tempted to use that for actually playing cricket. The baseball bat would be solely for the purpose of whacking moped riders in the helmet, in the hope that I might knock some sense into their hollow heads, because why else would one want a baseball bat if not for committing retributive acts of violence?

Luckily for my would-be victims I am a pacifist. That is not to say that I think that their desire to own such an icon of anti-social behaviour is justified. In my sleepless state, once I have put off more violent thoughts, I hear cars drift along the main road and wonder why these adolescent moped riders can't just wait until they are responsible and old enough to own a car! Cars are much safer, more fun, very useful and they are quiet enough to not disturb my slumber as they pass, at much higher speeds than mopeds, along the main road. I live 6 miles from Heathrow Airport and the gigantic jumbo-jets, which fly all through the night, do not disturb me!

As I mentioned earlier, these riders are teenagers. I was a teenager only 4 years ago and I only knew two people who owned mopeds. Yes, moped ownership is a relatively recent phenomenon for the youths of the UK. It now seems that every Tesco car park comes equipped with a gang of moped riders. They are mostly boys but can be seen sharing their cigarettes with girls in bomber jackets wearing big hooped earrings. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for freedom... but that is exactly why I have an objection. Who decided that a teenager’s right to have a social life that extends beyond the realms of what is healthy is more important than my right to sleep?


When I was a social teenager I would get on my bike and pedal my way to whatever party or gathering was going on. Then when it was over I would ride home again! I probably travelled greater distances then than people do now on their mopeds and I did so in relative silence. This practice has, on reflection, benefited me physically and spiritually. It helped me to get regular exercise and expose myself to moments of self-reflection and meditation. Neither of these are available on the back of a motorised mosquito.

Although I could make all sorts of sweeping statements about the correlations between moped ownership and a plethora of negative social impacts, such as teenage obesity, gang violence, family breakdown and so on (all of which have a degree of credibility) my point is far more simple than that. Youth is a wonderful time when one has a fair amount of disposable income and time. It is also a time when a good night’s sleep is not essential to survival. Just as I would not deprive them of their Reebok Classics, Kappa tracksuits (or whatever ridiculous fashions it is they wear now) and wasted evenings hanging around bus stops, is it really too much to ask to not be deprived of my sleep?

Another disturbed night’s sleep has left me questioning my status as a pacifist. Luckily, once again, for the knights of the motorised mosquito there is a further barrier to me attacking them... I have neither the time nor the money to get to a sports shop and buy my weapon of choice for their punishment.